My journy with Sudie

  One night my sister came home in a terrible mood and that week I was having the worst chest pain I have ever had. I felt really upset because she was being very disrespectful and ungrateful. I had been watching her boyfriends puppy for a long time and she hadnt even asked me. So after she left the room I started venting to Josh. I told him that I felt very sad and all I wanted was for Sudie to come home and give me a thank you. I said that she seems like she is mad at the world. Than I was talking about how my chest was hurting extra bad. Sudie's boyfriend came out and started yelling at me because he was upset with the fact that I was feeling used. He said some very hurtful things. He has never been disrespectful like that before and all the yelling back made my chest start to hurt a million times worse. They left the room and went up stairs. I started crying and having a panic attack. My mom was out of town so I wasnt sure what to do. I kept telling Josh to call an ambulence because the pain added with the panic attack was very scary for me. Sudie and her boyfriend came down because they heard all that was going on and they felt really bad for what they did. Her boyfriend apologized and just wanted to help. After getting me calm they tried to see what I could do to get my chest pain under control. A hour or so later, my sister decided to sit down and talk to me about how im really doing. For the first time she wanted to listen to me. I told her exactly how the depression was taking over everything and how it was about the adoption and how I felt that no one was there for me. I told her how much it hurt me to not have my sister be there for me during this time. She started crying and she apoligized for being so stubborn and that now she will be there for me. This was the start of getting my life back. Slowly but surely.

It's been a while...

    So its been very long since I have updated my blog, and I'm sorry for that. For the past few months things got pretty bad for me. I became very depressed and I was not sure how to deal with it. Even though Josh and my mom were trying very hard to be there for me, I still wasnt excepting their help. I had to leave Poly High because the stress was causing me to fall behind. I never expected for it to get that bad and I was so disappointed in myself because I had no idea what was wrong with me. I enrolled in another school called School for Adults; with this school I can still graduate high school but do all those classes on my own pace and I can go in whenever I want to. So far I have only finished one class because after Christmas things got worse for me emotionally so I wasnt going as often. I was going to go to Utah to visit The Teehans for the first time after the adoption but at the last minute I canceled. I felt that I still had a lot of healing to do before I saw Porter again. All my stress caused me to have physical pain, I had chest pain that was so painful I couldnt move and it felt like my chest bones were going go pop out of me. I went into the doctor to help me figure out what was wrong. Turns out that I have inflamation all throughout my chest and upper back. But I still had to go do a bunch of test just to make sure it wasnt a heart problem. Those results of those test still arent in. I was told to get all the stress out of my life amd take things easy because there was no cure to the pain. I realized that a lot of the stress was because the relationship I didnt have with my sister. I started to look at where all these problems were coming from. I was now on a mission to fix all the stress in my life.The next few blogs will be those mission stories.  

It's a love story

Joshua Keith Brereton...what to say about this wonderful man. Well first off, I love this man very much! Me and Josh have known each other for a little over a year now and we have been dating for almost 6 of those months. He is my best friend. Josh came at a very stressful time in my life but was still willing to be there for me through it all. I was very shocked to see how fast I fell for him. But i was very standoffish with him in the begining because I didnt want to regret the feelings I was having for him.
Our relationship was not good at all during the begining. There was no trust at all and neither of us was ready for the commitment and feelings we were having. But we also werent willing to leave each other. I dont know what it was, but there was something about him that made me feel like I needed to be with him. Around our 3rd month of dating things got really good between us. We both started to trust and except each other.
If it werent for Josh, I dont know how I would have been doing right now. He keeps me from being depressed and instead of getting angry over everything, I am able to go to him and cry for a minute and talk. Everything in my life now seem perfect. Even though there are some rough times with my family, he makes it seem not as bad. I honestly can say that I hope to spend the rest of my life with him. I Love You Joshy!

Life Being 16 and Pregnant

For my junior year I moved to Utah with close family friends because I was not doing well at home. The party life was all I was willing to do. This family always knew how to get me back on track and they are the only people who I was willing to talk to and help me. After a couple months I met a guy. This is where it all went down hill. I was very insecure of myself and didnt know how to have a normal high school relationship. I got pregnant right away. The minute I found out I was pregnant, I thought about adoption. I tried talking to my boyfriend at the time about it and he was not on board. We ended up breaking up. But that wasnt easy. I felt trapped in a relationship because of the pregnancy. After talking to Autumn (the lady I lived with) and her mom, Robinn, I realized that I can do it without him because I had them to help me through this. 

The hardest thing about the pregnancy was telling my mom I was pregnant. For the first time in my life, I truely cared about how my mom felt, and I didnt want to hurt her or make her feel like I was hopeless. I was so emotional and couldnt tell her, Autumn had to do it for me, but I had to sit there the whole time hearing every word and than had to talk to her after Autumn did. I said "Hi" and than broke down. I was so ashamed because I felt like all I ever did was mess up. I knew I made my mom feel like a failuer. I dont know if it was hard to tell my dad; I just didnt want to do it. He and I do not have the best relationship and i felt like he could just talk to my mom to find out whats going on in my life. He found out for himself and wasnt too pleased. To me, our relationship didnt get any better after that, it might have gotten a bit worse. My family wasnt very willing to talk to me about it and they were very supportive. My mother didnt really want people to find out, i never really found out for sure why. I decided around my 5th month that I wasnt willing to hid it anymore. It became such a wonderful experience for me and I wanted to share it with people. My mom turned around and started supporting me and talking to me. Her and I were actually talking and building a relationship. She became one of my biggest supportes.

 I picked LDS Family Services to help me with my adoption. I have to say that I had the BEST social worker anyone could ask for! He taught me to talk for myself and made me realize that this is my life, the choices I make must be the ones I truely want for myself. My adoption wasnt easy though. I chose to give my son to the family I was living with. They were the only people I trusted. Josh (my worker) was always kind of confused on how to work things out but we managed to make it work. And it is working sooooo great!

August 28, 2010 at 8:24 A.M. Porter was born by C-Section. It was the most powerful experience I have ever been through. I had people tell me that once I saw him I would want to drop the adoption and keep him. But the minute I saw him and saw him in his new parents' arms, it only made me want to do the adoption even more. The whole family just glowed. He fit in perfectly to their crazy family and I was reminded that this is going to be the best thing in the world for him.

This whole experience has made me grow up so much. I now want the best things for myself and i want my birthson to be proud of me when he grows up. I dont want him to be embarrassed of me and end up not want to know me when he is older. I live my life for him now.

 I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Many people put this on the list of all my mistakes, but I don't. Being 16 and pregnant was the best thing that could ever happened to me. I want to let all those girls out there who are struggling know that after all the tears, there is a smile. Adoption doesnt mean goodbye. It is a hello for you and your child to a new wonderful life.